


a cosmic convergence of light

by icedlatteextrashot



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Christmas, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Iwaizumi Is Smitten, M/M, Misunderstandings, New Year's Eve, Post-Canon, oikawa has anxiety, there's a happy ending i swear, they're both idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:22:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28464528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icedlatteextrashot/pseuds/icedlatteextrashot
Summary: He shouldn’t be listening. He really shouldn’t. Eavesdropping never did anyone any good, no matter how often Oikawa told him otherwise.Oikawa was the worst when it came to eavesdropping. He’d eavesdrop on the strangers on the train, the two people out on a first date at the restaurant or coffee shop they were at, the people waiting in line with them at the convenience store.“Curiosity killed the cat, Trashykawa,” Iwaizumi had always reprimanded, knowing that it wouldn’t do him any good.Tooru never listened to him anyway.“Curiosity may have killed the cat, Iwa-chan,” Tooru would smirk, grabbing Iwaizumi’s scrunched nose between his thumb and his forefinger. “But the satisfaction brought him back. You’re always forgetting that second part. Let me be nosy in peace.”Now, shrouded in the darkness of their shared apartment, with only the sliver of light from the cracked bathroom door dropping over his toes, he grabbed his own scrunched nose.Maybe Tooru had been rubbing off on him too much.---Or, Iwaizumi overhears a conversation he shouldn't have and begins to question everything he thought he knew.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 18
Kudos: 108





	1. Curiosity Killed the Cat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sometimesIwritethings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sometimesIwritethings/gifts).



> To my dear friend,
> 
> The world may be rough sometimes, I think that's a fact we all know, especially now. But even so, we push forward into the uncertain, clothed in nothing but a shield of bravery, and sometimes that's enough. And if you don't feel especially brave, that's okay. Bravery isn't a lack of fear, no, they go hand in hand, arm in arm. So when you don't feel so brave, when you feel maybe a bit scared, link your arms with me, and I'll do my very best to hold you up, to push you forward, even though I may not feel as brave as you think. But bravery comes easier when it takes on the form of a friend.
> 
> Love,  
> your friend

**December 21st. 2:40 pm**

“I can’t do this anymore, Makki. I’m going to diiiiiiiiie.”

Makki just rolled his eyes as his friend pretended to faint at the cafe table they were sitting at. He reached out to move the cup in front of his over-dramatic brown-haired friend just in time.

He let his eyes lift to the ceiling before they rolled back in on themselves, obvious enough for his friend to see.

Tooru Oikawa was known for being dramatic.

It was kind of his thing.

Makki was used to it by now.

Ignoring it was the only safe option.

If he let Oikawa catch even a glimpse of compassion or reassurance, he was done for. He’d never hear the end of it, and he’d be stuck there all afternoon listening to an emotional rant spurred by too much caffeine and not enough sleep.

And he couldn’t do that.

Not right now.

He was supposed to be seeing a movie with Mattsun in an hour. That new, cheesy action flick critics and audiences alike had been smashing to bits since its premiere. He hadn’t seen a single positive review for it, save the one 10 star review that was either a joke or the result of some drug that hindered one’s ability to think rationally.

He couldn’t wait.

But Oikawa was his friend. And even though he was known for being overdramatic and cocky and taking small, insignificant things and turning them into monsters, he knew his friend, and he knew the way that his friend’s hands were shaking slightly, he knew the deep purple tint that tinged the undersides of his normally bright eyes, he knew the scabs on lips chewed till they were raw and bleeding.

Makki let his hand rest on Oikawa’s, lightly enough that Oikawa could tell he was concerned without knowing he was concerned.

“Now, I really don’t think dying is the best option, but I don’t even know what the problem is so we’ll table that for later. So what’s wrong? Is your knee acting up again?”

Oikawa wiped his tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. Makki hadn’t noticed when they had started to fall.

_Oh no. He only cries when something has been building up for ages. This must be bad._

“It’s Iwa-ch… Hajime,” Oikawa gulped out, choking on his tears.

Of course it was.

That’s what it always was.

“I think I need to break up with him.”

Makki’s eyes darted to Oikawa from where they had been resting in the back of his head.

_Wait._

_WHAT?_

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, shooting a quick SOS text to Mattsun.

Maybe the movie could wait.

**December 12th, 12:53 am, 10 Days Earlier**

“Tooru, I’m home!”

Iwaizumi shrugged his coat off, stomping the snow off his boots before sliding them off too, resting them beside Oikawa’s.

No response.

Iwaizumi squinted. The kitchen light was on, as was the bathroom light, evident by the yellow sneaking through the crack in the door.

Where was he?

“Tooru?”

Nope, the kitchen was empty.

“Shittykawa? Where are you?”

He trudged to the bedroom, pushing the door open with his bare foot. The room was empty too, the bed still made with the comforter bunched on the right corner of the bottom, like someone had flung themselves onto it at some point.

“Tooru?”

Maybe he was in the shower. Iwaizumi padded to the bathroom, the source of the light.

But there was no shower going, no running water, no off-key belting of Christmas songs that normally came with a shower this time of year.

As he neared the bathroom door, a muffled voice sounded from within, whispered under the cover of the bathroom fan.

Why was he whispering?

“No, Koushi, I can’t-”

He shouldn’t be listening. He really shouldn’t. Eavesdropping never did anyone any good, no matter how often Oikawa told him otherwise.

Oikawa was the worst when it came to eavesdropping. He’d eavesdrop on the strangers on the train, the two people out on a first date at the restaurant or coffee shop they were at, the people waiting in line with them at the convenience store.

“Curiosity killed the cat, Trashykawa,” Iwaizumi had always reprimanded, knowing that it wouldn’t do him any good.

Tooru never listened to him anyway.

“Curiosity may have killed the cat, Iwa-chan,” Tooru would smirk, grabbing Iwaizumi’s scrunched nose between his thumb and his forefinger. “But the satisfaction brought him back. You’re always forgetting that second part. Let me be nosy in peace.”

Now, shrouded in the darkness of their shared apartment, with only the sliver of light from the cracked bathroom door dropping over his toes, he grabbed his own scrunched nose.

Maybe Tooru had been rubbing off on him too much.

“Satisfaction brought it back,” he mumbled under his breath, leaning closer to the muted sounds of Oikawa.

“No, I can’t do it yet… Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know… I just… I don’t want to ruin… Koushi, I know, trust me…”

_Ruin? Ruin what?_

Iwaizumi could hear his heartbeat rattling in his brain, much louder than he knew it should be.

_If Tooru caught me…_

What? So what if Tooru caught him? Tooru would probably laugh that breathy chuckle of his that always made Iwaizumi’s heart clench a bit in his chest and made him wonder for a split second if he needed an inhaler.

So what if Tooru caught him? He’d probably tease Iwaizumi for months about it. “Now Iwa-chan, I never would have known you’d be the type to willingly eavesdrop, especially after all the shit you give me every time I try. ‘Curiosity killed the cat,’ my ass.”

Iwaizumi sighed. It would be fine. He could live with it.

He slid his feet an inch closer to the door, intimately aware of every small sound that surrounded him, his movement, his heartbeat.

“Koushi… I can’t do that to him, not this close to Christmas, not this close to the holidays…”

Wait.

Maybe he shouldn’t.

Maybe he had always been right.

Maybe the satisfaction wasn’t worth it.

“No, I can’t… I can’t do that to him now… I don’t want to ruin his Christmas… I know, Koushi… I just… I know, you’re right, I shouldn’t put it off because of that… Putting it off is just going to make it harder when I do it, but… Yeah, I’m going to lose my nerve, I get that, but… Koushi, I can’t do that to him…”

Yup, it was a mistake.

It had always been a mistake.

He had always been right.

The satisfaction wasn’t worth it.

It never was.

It never was…

“I can’t do that to him now, Koushi… I promise you, I will do it, I just…”

Iwaizumi knew his heartbeat was anything but unnoticeable. He knew Tooru could probably hear it, safe in the warm light of the bathroom, safe in the small comfortable space surrounded by light.

Iwaizumi was anything but safe, drowning in the open cavern of the hallway as the floor broke under him, as the walls caved in, as the pictures fell, the ones they had fought over for weeks but eventually ended up on the cool gray of the walls thanks to a pushy Tooru and a lovesick Iwaizumi. They crashed and fell around him, bursting into flames as they hit the floor, burning with the sudden combustion of years of yearning, of unrequited feelings, of finally gaining the courage to let go of the words he’d been practicing in the mirror for years, of love no longer unrequited, of years of together, years of sharing spoons and sinks and blankets.

Of years of being loved.

He was suffocating.

“I don’t want to ruin it, Koushi. Things can never go back to how they were before… I… I don’t want to lose him forever… I can’t, but… I have to do this… I’ve been putting it off for too long and I don’t think I can wait any longer. But I have to, at least till Christmas is over... “

“Curiosity killed the cat,” the saying said.

“Curiosity killed the cat,” he had always told Oikawa.

He stepped backward, back a step at a time till his back rested on the cool paint of the wall, something solid and sturdy. Using the wall as a handrailing, he pushed himself back to the bedroom, stumbling over the remnants of shattered memories till he tumbled into the bed, burying his face in the pillow on his side.

He let his hand slip into the right pocket of his pants, let his fingers brush the soft velvet of the small box hidden there, the box he had gone to pick up immediately after work.

He choked.

Before he lost all the nerves in his body, he pushed himself up, over to the closest where he changed into flannel pajama pants and an old school sweatshirt.

The box he pushed into one of his shoes, the pair of ugly fur-lined boots he never wore but kept anyway since Oikawa had given them to him.

There were many things he had kept because Oikawa had given them to him.

The drawing when they were five, the first thing Oikawa had ever given to him, a shaky crayon drawing on construction paper of two stick figures that were supposed to be them. He’d kept it on his family’s fridge for years, and when his mom had finally removed it to make room for wedding invites and Christmas cards, he had taken it and hid it in the box under his bed, the box of rocks and seashells and beaded friendship bracelets.

His box of Oikawa.

He still had it, somewhere up on the top shelf of his closet. The old shoebox he had decorated when he was six, before he had realized just how much the things Oikawa gave him mattered to him.

They had always been important to him, all the little things Oikawa had given him. He had always known they were different, though it had taken him years, till he was in high school, spiking Oikawa’s sets, to realize just why.

He pulled the box from up on the shelf, tracing the buttons and strings that textured the outside of the otherwise ordinary shoebox.

It had never been ordinary. Not really. Because it held pieces of Oikawa inside, pieces of him that he had willingly gifted to Iwaizumi, pieces he had willingly given up, pieces he had trusted Iwaizumi with.

Iwaizumi pulled the velvet box out of the boot, resting it instead in the box that had meant so much to him.

That still meant so much to him.

He slid it between a collection of dried bugs and alien figurines, laying it on top of the Godzilla shirt Oikawa had given him for his birthday when he was seven, a shirt that had been far from fitting for a decade and a half. But he had kept it anyway.

The box returned to its spot on the top shelf, to the empty spot where it fit perfectly, the spot that had been made to fit it.

Closing the closet door, he fell once again onto the bed, disturbing the wrinkled spot in the comforter Oikawa had made sometime earlier that day.

“Oh, you’re back! I didn’t hear you come in.”

Iwaizumi tensed at the sound of Oikawa’s voice, the same voice that had drifted through his dreams since he was five, the same voice that lulled him to sleep with light fingers pressed in his hair.

When had that changed?

“Oh, you’re asleep already.” Iwaizumi felt the bed shift under him as Oikawa’s body weight joined his. “Goodnight, Hajime.”

Oikawa’s back was to him, his body facing out towards the room rather than inward towards Iwaizumi like he always had for years, a foot of empty space between them rather than the tangled knot of limbs and the familiar press of bodies too magnetized to each other to be apart.

Iwaizumi had always complained about Oikawa’s clinginess, how he couldn’t breathe with Oikawa on top of him, with Oikawa’s long arms wrapped tightly around him, and Oikawa had always huffed out an excuse about being cold, and Iwaizumi had always pretended to be upset about it.

He wasn’t upset. He never had been. He craved Oikawa’s touch, craved the closeness just as much, if not more than Oikawa did.

Because he loved Oikawa.

And being apart, if only by a few inches, made his chest clench and his stomach twist and his body ache.

And he was thankful for Oikawa’s need to be close, his inability to recognize personal space.

Because he loved Oikawa.

But now Oikawa was too far away, miles and miles of space between them, something impassable, unclimbable, unconquerable.

And Oikawa made no move to reclaim the land between them.

“Curiosity killed the cat,” the saying said.

So what if satisfaction brought it back?

What if the cat came back mutilated, torn beyond repair?

What good was satisfaction then?

**December 21st, 2:47 pm**

(2:47): SOS

(2:47): Is this a code burgundy SOS or a code chartreuse SOS?

(2:47): THIS IS A CODE VIOLET SOS

(2:48): Oh damn why didnt you start with that

(2:48): THIS IS A CODE VIOLET ISSEI! A CODE VIOLET!

(2:48): yeah yeah i got that already.

(2:49): ISSEI IM SERIOUS

(2:49): so whats the code violet for?  
Aren’t you with oiks?

(2:50): yeah thats the code violet. oiks is the code violet

(2:50): oh damn.

(2:51): its bad Issei

(2:51): how bad?

(2:52): like, gonna break up with “Iwa-chan” bad

(2:53): shit what happened?

(2:53): i dont know thats what im trying to figure out

(2:53): well then find out

(2:54): IM TRYING

(2:54): but wait wasnt Iwaizumi going to…

(2:55): yes THATS WHY THIS SI A CODE VIOLET  
*is

(2:55): dang what horrible timing  
hes not just being dramatic right?

(2:56): no i think hes serious  
_Image attached_

(2:57): oh thats not a good look  
he’s crying  
like a lot

(2:57): no thats what im saying  
can you talk to Iwaizumi?  
like dont tell him but try and figure out if anything happened on that end

(2:58): will do. secret agent issei reporting for duty

(2:59): thnx  
Ill keep you updated with what i find on this end

(3;00): you got it

(3:00): secret agent takahiro signing off

(3:00): heard. over and out

**July 17th, 9:31 pm, 6 Months Earlier**

“Oh my gosh, it’s hot as hell.”

“Yeah, well, it wouldn’t be as hot if you weren’t laying on top of me, idiot.”

“But Iwa-chan, you’re just so comfy. I guess I shall have to learn to deal with the literal furnace you are.”

Oikawa pushed himself farther into Iwaizumi’s chest, and Iwaizumi felt his heart do the little flutter it always seemed to do at Oikawa’s closeness, something he didn’t think he’d ever be rid of. They’d been friends since they were five, and dating for almost four years at this point. He couldn’t remember when there hadn’t been Oikawa’s presence in his life, yet, even so, his heart never stopped its movement, and he was convinced it never would.

He loved Oikawa.

He always had.

And he always would.

And that was something that would never change.

Even amidst the uncertainty of life, of each year, each week, each day. Even amidst the chaos of everything, the uncertainty that the earth wouldn’t be struck by a meteor, that Godzilla wouldn’t rise, that the aliens Oikawa was convinced existed somewhere out in that vast expanse of space wouldn’t invade, he knew with certainty that his love would never falter.

That was something that would never change.

Even when Oikawa was sprawled out on top of him, suffocating any small draft of cool air before it made it’s way to Iwaizumi, he loved him.

“Tooru…”

“What is it?” Oikawa’s voice was muffled, his nose buried into Iwaizumi’s lightweight shirt, thought Iwaizumi could feel the word as hot breath on his chest, warming his whole body impossibly more, and he really wasn’t that angry about it.

“You’re good at hiding things, you know that?”

Oikawa’s eyes darted up to rest on his. His nose scrunched. “What do you mean.”

“I mean just that,” Iwaizumi said, letting his hand fall into Oikawa’s hair, his fingers absentmindedly running through them.

Oikawa shivered in the heat of the room.

“It’s just,” Iwaizumi continued, pushing back the lump that had formed in his throat at some point. “You’re good at hiding things. At faking okay. It’s not easy for any normal person to see past the mask you put on.”

Oikawa stiffened under his fingers, but he kept pushing them through Oikawa’s chestnut locks, refusing to hesitate in his movement. “Hajime, I don’t know what you’re trying to get at.”

“What I’m trying to say is… I can tell when you’re not alright, even when you convince others you are. I’ve known you pretty much my entire life, I know how you work. And I told you that you don’t have to fake being okay around me. I want to know everything, Tooru. I want to know you, every part of you.”

Oikawa’s face paled, even in the rosy warmth. “Hajime…”

“And I know you’re not alright. You haven’t been for a while. But it hurts more to see you pretend like everything is fine around me than anything you could say would.” Iwaizumi felt his heart rate quicken. “It hurts to know you think you have to fake it around me.”

“Hajime,” Oikawa whispered, his eyes blowing wide. “That’s not-”

“I know that’s not what you mean. I know you, and I know you don’t have an intentionally malicious bone in your body. Well, maybe there’s a bit hiding in your left pinky toe, but what I mean is… I want you to trust me, Tooru. I want to be the one person you don’t have to hide from. I want to be the one you can come to, but more than that, I want to be someone you feel safe coming to.”

He moved his hand from Oikawa’s hair to his cheek, turning Oikawa’s face to him. He wasn’t dumb. He wasn’t an idiot. He could see the spark of regret, of something terrified flit across Oikawa’s eyes, starting in his right and flying through his left.

“I want to know what I can do to be someone you trust. It hurts me to know that I’m not that.”

Oikawa’s eyes were misty, and his were too, but he couldn’t let himself cry, not right now. He needed to be someone strong, someone brave.

Even though he didn’t feel it.

“I just… I can’t talk about this with you… not yet.”

Iwaizumi blinked away the tear he knew had formed in his eye. “Tooru…”

“I… I can’t, Hajime. I-”

Iwaizumi pulled Oikawa into his chest, the only way to mask the tears about to start flowing freely. “Tooru, you can trust me… I want… I want to be someone you can trust.”

Oikawa hiccupped under him, and Iwaizumi wrapped his arms tighter, even though he wanted nothing more than to push Oikawa away, to run, to protect himself.

But he couldn’t protect himself.

He was exposed, standing with heart bared and beating in front of the man he had willingly given the knife to.

He loved Oikawa.

He always had.

And he always would.

And that was something that would never change.

No matter how much it hurt.

No matter how scary the knife looked, how imposing with its sharp point and jagged edges, how much it trembled in Oikawa’s hands. Even with the tip of it angled directly over his chest, poised and threatening above the cavern where his heart resided, he didn’t run, he just held his breath as he watched the single droplet of blood form under the pressure, bubbling like it was something alive before slowly sliding down his bare chest, the knife one motion away from plunging, from ending him.

“Iwa-chan… Hajime, look at me.”

He let his fingertips rub circles on Oikawa’s cheek, feeling Oikawa’s own tears dampen their warmth, and with that, he finally let his fall.

“I always am, Tooru.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This is the first part of a 3 parter I wrote for one of my friends, and I hope you'll stick around for the rest! As we go into this new year, I know it can be easy to curse this last year (with good reason) but just look at you! You made it, and you're alive and breathing, and that's a beautiful thing.


	2. Scared With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (3:51): secret agent takahiro checking in
> 
> (3:51): what did you find soldier?
> 
> (3:52): oh you wouldnt believe it  
> We’re talking big  
> Collasial  
> *collosial  
> *collasiol?  
> Gigantic  
> Im running out of synonyms but you get the idea
> 
> (3:52): hmmm im not sure i do  
> Just how big
> 
> (3:53): bigger than your head, which is saying something
> 
> (3:53): rood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

**December 14th, 7:20 am, 8 Days Earlier**

Maybe he should just ask Suga

No, he definitely should not ask Suga.

That was the worst possible idea he had had in his life.

Yet, did he really have a choice?

Iwaizumi had done nothing but think about the conversation he had eavesdropped on the last two days, every waking moment spent ruminating on the words he had heard, letting every possible meaning and explanation roll around his head till he could find something solid enough to stay.

He’d spent both nights dreaming about it, too.

Two nights tossing and turning, waking up out of breath and sweating, tangled in the sheets they shared, waking up tangled in Oikawa, like every cell in him needed the second by second reassurance that Oikawa was still near him, still beside him, still there.

The worst part was that Oikawa had been acting like nothing was wrong, like everything was okay.

And that made it worse.

So much worse.

Because Iwaizumi knew Oikawa. He knew him better than anyone else. And he could tell when Oikawa was faking like things were okay, like nothing was wrong in his perfect television life.

But the worst part was, having Oikawa fake it around him was a slap in the face.

Because Oikawa knew that Iwaizumi could tell.

But he faked it anyway.

And after two days and nights doing nothing but letting himself mull on every conceivable meaning of the words, there was only one thought that was heavier than the others, weighted under the possibility of it being truth. There was only one thing that made sense when he thought about it.

Part of him wanted the answer, craved the release of the words he wasn’t supposed to have heard. But the other part of him didn’t want to know.

Maybe ignorance was better after all.

Because ignorance was better than the only explanation, the only thing that fit perfectly with the words that had been echoing in the brain, the only thing that refused to drift away when he inhaled and blew.

Oikawa was going to break up with him.

**July 20th, 7:01 pm, 6 Months Earlier**

“Hey, Hajime?”

Iwaizumi looked up from the stove where he was stirring their rice. “Hey. You’re home early. I just started dinner, if you want to take a shower first.”

Oikawa leaned on the doorframe, running his toes along the wooden slats in the floor. “Thanks… I just-”

Iwaizumi turned back to Oikawa, his stirring paused. “What’s wrong?”

Oikawa sighed, the breath fluttering through the messy bangs hovering over his face. Iwaizumi gulped. Oikawa never let himself look anything but perfect outside of their apartment, and it had always given Iwaizumi that satisfaction to know that he was the only one who saw, who got to see, Oikawa at his least put together, at his most vulnerable.

But he had come home looking like this, had walked straight in from the outside with his less than perfect hair. And he always pulled at his hair when he was really nervous about something, when he was stressed, when his anxiety got especially bad.

Iwaizumi quickly turned the stove off, abandoning the rice in the pot and grabbing Oikawa into a tight hug in one motion.

“Can we talk, Hajime?”

He pulled Oikawa into the living room, trying to not let his mind dwell on those dreaded words. He positioned himself on the couch by Oikawa so they were both facing in, towards each other, their knees knocking together. Oikawa pushed his feet under Iwaizumi’s thighs.

“What do you need to talk about?”

Oikawa was staring that Iwaizumi’s hands, how they gripped Oikawa’s pale hands in his warm ones, how they laced together with a strength impossible to break.

Iwaizumi wanted nothing more than to reach up and pull Oikawa’s chin till they were eye to eye, till Oikawa couldn’t hide.

But Oikawa needed to do this on his own.

So instead he just rubbed his thumb in circles over the top of Oikawa’s hand, memorizing the motion.

“So, the other night… when you said you could tell I wasn’t okay, and you were upset that I didn’t trust you enough to talk to you about it… I want to talk about that.”

Iwaizumi was suddenly immensely glad he wasn’t looking in Oikawa’s eyes.

Iwaizumi was suddenly the one who wanted to hide.

“Tooru, you don’t have-”

“No, I need to. I… I want to.” Oikawa took a deep breath, ragged and harsh, something that Iwaizumi could hear rattling in his chest. “I need to explain to you what happened. But… I’m scared...”

“I’m here, Tooru. I’ll always be here” Iwaizumi gave in to the previous urge, reaching up and pulling Oikawa’s face to his, till they were inches from each other, exposed.

“And that’s why I need to do this. I’m scared but… but I trust you. I know it didn’t feel like it the other night, and I know that must have hurt a lot. I know I hurt you.”

“Tooru-”

“Let me finish, please. Hajime, I love you.”

Iwaizumi wrinkled his nose again. “Yeah, I already knew that, you idiot. You tell me constantly.”

Oikawa grabbed Iwaizumi’s crinkled nose between his finger, pulling it once before drifting his hands up to smooth out the confused creases on Iwaizumi’s forehead. “No, no you don’t. At least, not in the way I want you to know.”

Oikawa’s forehead was suddenly pressed into his, the rapid breaths coming from Oikawa tickling his face in their closeness.

“I love you, Hajime. So much. More than you could ever know. And I-” Oikawa stuttered.

Soft lips met his, a brief fluttery peck that left Iwaizumi almost as breathless as Oikawa.

“I love you. And thinking about living without you… picturing myself without you… it breaks me, Hajime.”

“What are you saying, Tooru?”

“I’m saying… I love you, and I can’t imagine the rest of my life without you. I want to be by your side, forever. And… I know it won’t change much, but…” Oikawa paused and Iwaizumi used the opportunity to return the kiss. “How do you feel about marriage?”

Iwaizumi pulled back enough to look at Oikawa fully. “Wait, that’s what this was about?”

Oikawa nodded, looking a bit ashamed. “I know it’s dumb, but I had convinced myself that… that you’d hate me, that you’d be disgusted by the thought. I know I can trust you, and I trust you so so much, more than anyone else in this world. But it was something I needed to think about, on my own. I know it’s a big step, and it’s scary, but… I’d rather be with you and scared than away from you and fearless.”

Was he afraid?

Yes. He couldn’t deny he was. Denying that he was scared would do nothing but prove just how scared he was.

They’d joked about it before, of course, Oikawa joking about what a good housewife Iwaizumi was when he made them dinner with the “Kiss the Cook” apron Oikawa had gotten him once as a joke tied around his torso. Their friends joked about it too, teasing them endlessly about how domesticated and “positively married” they were, comments that made Oikawa laugh and Iwaizumi smack the back of the head of whoever made the comment.

But this wasn’t a joke.

Not this time.

Oikawa was serious, and he was scared.

Sure, Iwaizumi had thought about it before, every time he happened to pass a jewelry store, and every time he woke up with Oikawa slung over him.

If he were honest, he thought about it a lot.

Not that he’d ever admit it.

But sometimes at night, when they were entangled together on the couch, the tv on in front of them, Oikawa would fall asleep, nestled perfectly into Iwaizumi’s side in a way that couldn’t be anything less than destiny, and Iwaizumi would look down at Oikawa’s slack face, at the way his anxiety disappeared when he gave in to sleep, the way his mouth parted slightly as he echoed soft snores into Iwaizumi’s side, and every atom in Iwaizumi ached with how in love he was, ached in a way he didn’t even feel after a grueling 3 set game, after a hard workout.

Being in love with Oikawa was painful.

But it was a good ache, the kind that came as proof of something good, like the ache of calves after a particularly good run.

And when he looked at Oikawa like that, pressed into him, the ache became solid enough to form words.

_I want to stay like this forever._

“Oh, Tooru, you really are an idiot.”

_I’d rather be with you and scared than away from you and fearless._

**December 21st, 3:51 pm**

(3:51): secret agent takahiro checking in

(3:51): what did you find soldier?

(3:52): oh you wouldnt believe it  
We’re talking big  
Collasial  
*collosial  
*collasiol?  
Gigantic  
Im running out of synonyms but you get the idea

(3:52): hmmm im not sure i do  
Just how big

(3:53): bigger than your head, which is saying something

(3:53): rood  
But spill

(3:53): ok fine hold on

(3:54): im waiting

(3:55): _voice message_  
Geeze i said hold on you have no patience

(3:55); not when our friends lives are at stake

(3:55): just shut up and listen to the message

(3:57): I-  
I have no words  
They really are idiots

(3:58): possibly even more idiotic than you

(3:59): once again  
Rood

(3:59): but i dont know how to respond to oikawa  
“Hey iwa-chan was planning on proposing to you”  
I cznt do that  
*cant

(4:00): theyre both idiots  
I talked to iwa  
Hes being just as dumb

(4:00): so what do we do  
Obvi we cant leave them on their own  
Theyre gonna do somethinh they regret if we do

(4:01): just dont let oikawa do anything stupid and by stupid i mean break up with iwaizumi

(4:01): i can try but no guarnantees

(4:02): ill talk to iwa and try to calm him down  
 _Voice message_

(4:03): so iwa is being just a dumb

(4:03): thats what i said  
Theyre both being dumb

(4:04): how did we end up with such dumb friends

(4:04): cause idiots attract idiots and youre an idiot

(4:05): rood

**December 23rd, 10:15 am, 2 Days Later**

Iwaizumi was angry.

And tired.

Well, maybe the anger came from how tired he was.

That tended to happen to him.

He’d never admit it, though.

“Why’d you drag me here, Mattsun? I don’t want to be here now.”

Matsukawa stared at him with droopy eyes and a half-smirk, dropping a blended drink of some kind in front of Iwaizumi, the copious amount of whipped cream bursting from the top and falling down the side.

“And what is this trash?”

“Now Iwa,” Matsukawa said, settling himself in the seat in front of Iwaizumi. “You’re not you when you’re hungry.”

“Did you just quote the Snickers’ catchphrase at me?”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. But really, Iwa, you need some sugar, so I got you some sugar. Now say it with me: ‘Thank you, Issei.’”

Iwaizumi just growled, but slammed his straw into the drink anyway. “Why am I here?”

“Because we need to talk about your marital problems.”

“I’m not married. I don’t have marital problems.”

“But that’s the point. You’re not married. And you should be.”

“I really don’t want to talk about this right now-”

“Just shut up and drink your frappe.”

“Fine.”

“So the problem here is that you aren’t married. But you want to be, am I right?”

Iwaizumi felt his face flush. Dumb sugary drink. “Yeah, but-’

‘I said no talking. You talk again and I’m taking your drink away from you.”

“I didn’t even want-”

“Shhhhhhh.”

“Fine.”

“So you’re not married, but you want to be. And you thought Oikawa did too, so you bought a ring, right?”

Iwaizumi just sipped his drink, ignoring Matsukawa’s attempt to bait him into responding.

“Iwa, I asked you a question.”

“But you said not to-”

“Shhhh, how many times do I have to tell you, shut up and listen.”

Iwaizumi growled again.

He didn’t want to deal with this right now.

“So you thought Oikawa wanted to get married, and you wanted to get married, so you went out and bought a ring. And then you eavesdropped on a conversation you shouldn’t have been listening to in the first place. Don’t you know the phrase, Iwa? Curiosity killed the cat. You really should have learned that by now, it’s basic knowledge.”

Oh, he knew that.

He had always believed it, now more than ever.

“You heard this small one-sided part of a conversation, and not only did you automatically believe it was about you, you convinced yourself that Oikawa was going to break up with you. And what have you done since then? Sulk. You’ve done nothing but sulk.”

“I haven’t-”

“Yes, you have. It’s been two weeks and that’s literally all you’ve done. Have you maybe tried, I don’t know, talking to him?”

Iwaizumi opened his mouth to respond but shut it when he realized Matsuwaka was right.

What had he become?

He’d let a few moments of uncertainty take hold of him. Those whispered words had controlled him for two weeks, and the worst part was, he had let them. He hadn’t fought it, he hadn’t searched out Oikawa for clarity, he hadn’t done anything.

He had done absolutely nothing.

But shouldn’t he be fighting? Shouldn’t he be fighting with every ounce of his being to not lose the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with?

Yet here he was.

Sulking.

“Based on the look that just crossed your face and the angry slurp you just took of your drink, I have a feeling you’ve finally realized that I’m right, which I always am. You should know that by now. Honestly, I’m ashamed you didn’t realize it sooner.”

Matsukawa was right.

Iwaizumi was an idiot.

A full-blown idiot.

“What do I do, Mattsun. I can’t just be like, ‘Hey I was eavesdropping on you when you were having a private conversation and it sounded like you were going to break up with me, and I haven’t slept in two weeks because of how worried I’ve been, is that true?’”

Matsuwaka leaned back in his chair, rocking it back precariously on its legs, and it wobbled dangerously.

He could fall for all Iwaizumi cared.

“Nope, that’s exactly what you do. Just like that. Be honest, Iwa. Is that so hard?”

Iwaizumi gulped, choking on the remnants of the sugary drink. “But what if it’s true? What if he is going to break up with me?”

“So what if he is? You’re going to find out sooner or later, and wouldn’t you rather find out sooner? But what if he isn’t?” Matsuwaka smirked. “What if he isn’t and you've been worrying about nothing? Do you want to keep living like this? Plus, I’m sure he’s noticed by now that something is wrong with you. You’re not as subtle as you think you are.”

“You think he’s noticed?”

“Everyone has noticed, Iwa. And I mean everyone.”

Iwaizumi slid his hands up over his face, groaning into the hollow of his palm. “I’m such an idiot.”

“Yeah, I thought we had been over that already and already come to that thrilling conclusion.”

“Fine, I’ll talk to him. I just-” he gulped. “I just need a day or two, to figure out how to do this.”

“You’re more of an idiot than I realized. It's Christmas in two days, don’t wait till then. Do it now.”

_“No, I can’t… I can’t do that to him now… I don’t want to ruin his Christmas… I know, Koushi… I just… I know, you’re right, I shouldn’t put it off because of that… Putting it off is just going to make it harder when I do it, but… Yeah, I’m going to lose my nerve, I get that, but… Koushi, I can’t do that to him…”_

He couldn’t do it.

He was scared. The most frightened he has ever been in his whole life, save for the moment he had finally confessed his life-long feelings to his childhood best friend.

But this was different. If it went wrong, Iwaizumi wouldn’t just be losing the idea of him.

Iwaizumi would be losing everything between them, the years of friendship, the closeness, the warmth, the whispered “I love you”s when Oikawa thought Iwaizumi was asleep, the ache in his chest when he looked at Oikawa under the soft fairy lights strung wall to wall in their apartment, the box of memories in the closet, the promise of a future stored in the glimmering hope of a ring.

Iwaizumi wouldn’t just be losing the idea of him.

He’d be losing him.

He’d be losing Oikawa.

But there was no doubt in his mind that he would lose Oikawa if he sat back and did nothing.

“Iwa, you got this. I believe in you.” Matsukawa leaned forward, smacking the side of Iwaizumi’s head with something meant to be encouraging. “Go get him.”

_I’d rather be with you and scared than away from you and fearless._

**December 23rd, 11:02 am**

(11:02): talked to iwa  
Hes gonna do it  
He gonna talk to oiks

(11:03): finly  
*finaly  
Whn?

(11:03): hopefuly rght now  
hopefuly  
I think i convinced him with my charisma  
But the frappe helped

(11:04): wait he drank a frappe

(11:04): yup

(11:04): u sire it was iwa and not some aline that took over his body?  
*sure  
*alien

(11:05): pretty sure  
He was grumpy like iwa  
Very angry

(11:05): definitely iwa  
Or the alien deserves an oscar

(11:06): good job lil alien

**December 23rd, 7:21 pm**

Iwaizumi was nervous.

Incredibly nervous.

In fact, he had already thrown up from the nausea spinning around in his stomach.

Twice.

He rolled his hands together nervously, his knee bouncing, something he couldn’t get to stop even if he tried.

It was a wonder the couch hadn’t broken under him from the nervous way he couldn’t stop moving.

Oikawa would kill him if he broke their couch.

Even if it was the ugliest thing ever created.

Oikawa’s wrath wouldn’t be worth the relief of it being gone.

A click sounded from the door, the turning of the lock as a key was inserted. The bouncing of Iwaizumi’s knee increased with the beat of his heart.

The door opened with a creak.

“Iwa-chan, I’m home!”

Iwaizumi twisted his fingers. “I’m in the living room.”

Oikawa’s smiling face popped out from the opening in the entryway. “What are you doing in there by yourself? Why are you just sitting there?”

“Umm…” Iwaizumi gulped. “Can we talk for a bit?”

Oikawa’s face twisted. “Yeah. Is everything okay?”

He made his way over to the couch where Iwaizumi sat, a tentative nature to the normally graceful, confident way he moved. “Hey, Hajime, what’s wrong?”

Iwaizumi felt Oikawa’s hand on his and the couch shift beneath him as Oikawa sat beside him, pulling his knees up into his chest like he always did when he was nervous or anxious.

It pained Iwaizumi to see Oikawa like that, especially when he was the cause.

“I just… there’s something I need to talk about. Something I need to clarify.”

Oikawa’s thumb ran over the back of his hand. “You know you can tell me anything.”

Iwaizumi pulled his head up to look at Oikawa’s face. “But that’s just it. I thought I could tell you anything. But… How do I tell you everything when you won’t do the same?”

A sharp intake of breath echoed from the space Oikawa resided, the thumb on the back of his hand stilling in its movement. “Iwa… what do you mean?”

“I told you before that you could trust me.”

“Yeah, and I do, I don’t know what-”

Iwaizumi flinched. “But do you? Do you actually trust me?”

Oikawa’s eyes wrinkled in confusion. “Of course. Hajime, I-”

“But it’s not true, is it? You know that I know you better than anyone else, and that I can tell when something is wrong. And I know that you’ve been hiding from me. Tooru, I know you’ve been-”

“I’m going to stop you right there, Hajime. I trust you. I trust you with my life. I don’t want you to ever doubt that, you hear me? You’re the only person on this whole damn earth who sees me.”

Oikawa was crying now, and every bone in Iwaizumi’s body ached to reach out and wipe them away, to pull Oikawa into his chest, to forget about everything that had led to this moment.

But he knew the second he let himself touch Oikawa, he would crack.

“You’re the only person who truly knows me, Hajime. And if I’ve made it seem in any way like I don’t trust you, I’m sorry.”

Soft fingers brushed Iwaizumi’s cheeks, smoothing away the creases and the soft fall of tears he hadn’t noticed had begun to fall.

“Hajime, what made you think that I didn’t trust you.”

“I thought you were going to break up with me. I thought-”

Oikawa bristled. “Did Makki say something? That bastard, I thought I could trust him.”

“Wait, you talked with Makki about breaking up with me? So you were thinking about it.”

Oikawa grabbed onto Iwaizumi’s shoulders. “Hey, hey, look at me! Stop it. I’m not going to break up with you.”

Iwaizumi couldn’t look at him. He couldn’t. “But you said you talked with Makki about it…”

“Oh, shit, I shouldn’t have said anything. I was never going to break up with you, Hajime. I was worried. I was worried about you. I was worried I was hurting you. When you started acting weird… I thought…” Oikawa gulped, trying desperately to take in any air he could. “I thought you were done with me, that you didn’t love me anymore. I thought-”

Iwaizumi finally looked up, finally seeing Oikawa’s glistening eyes in front of him. He didn’t need any words in that moment, he didn’t need any explanation from Oikawa. He could see it in his eyes, he could see everything.

“I thought you didn’t love me, and that you were just staying with me because… because you thought it would break me.”

“Oh, Tooru. I love you so much. I could never be done with you. Never. I can’t imagine being without you. A life without you in it isn’t much of a life at all.”

Oikawa laughed, the sound strained through his tears. “Then we’re both idiots, it seems.”

Iwaizumi wrapped his arms around Oikawa, pulling him in his chest, tighter than anything that could possibly be comfortable, but at that moment, sturdy was more important.

Safe.

Secure.

“Wait, I’m still confused. If I noticed you acting weirdly before I talked to Makki, and he didn’t say anything to you, what made you think I was going to break up with you?”

Iwaizumi’s breath hitched.

It seemed there was no way around it.

No way to avoid it.

“I got home a few weeks ago late, and I couldn’t find you, and you were in the bathroom… you were on the phone with Suga, and I didn’t mean to listen, I really didn’t, but…”

Oikawa straightened, pushing himself off of Iwaizumi’s chest, his eyes wide.

Scared.

“Iwa, what did you hear?”

Confused by the sudden change in Oikawa, Iwaizumi stuttered.

What if he had been right?

“I heard you… I heard you tell him that you didn’t want to ruin things, not at Christmas. That… you’d been putting something off, that you didn’t want to lose ‘him,’ and I thought… I thought it was about me, that you were going to break up with me. That you were done.”

“Oh, Iwa-chan.”

Oikawa’s thumb rubbed at his nose.

“But the, that night, when you came back into the room… you didn’t face me, Tooru. You didn’t touch me, and that’s the first… the first time that’s happened. You always throw yourself on me like I’m your personal beanbag but you didn’t that night, and since it was immediately after I heard your conversation, I put two and two together.”

“Iwa-chan, have you ever thought that maybe I’m not as dumb as you think I am? And most of all, I know you. I know your breathing pattern better than I know my own, and possibly better than I know myself. Which means I can tell when you’re faking being asleep… when you’re pretending to be asleep to avoid me.”

“Tooru, I’m so sorry. I was just… I was scared. And I knew that if you saw me, if I saw you, that you’d immediately know and it would end right there, and that scared me.”

Oikawa wiped a tear. “It scared me too, Hajime. Knowing that you were avoiding me. I was worried if I touched you… that it would make you more upset, and I didn’t want that. I knew it had something to do with me, yet… yet I didn’t do anything about it. And then you started acting differently around me after that, and it scared me even more.”

Iwaizumi huffed out a laugh. “All of this pain for both of us because I couldn’t use my damn brain.”

“What is it you’re always telling me about eavesdropping? That curiosity killed the cat. You should have listened to your own words.”

“I know… but… if you weren’t talking about breaking up with me, then what-”

Oikawa chuckled, leaning in to place a soft, feather-light kiss on the right corner of Iwaizumi’s lips before letting his head fall into the crook of Iwaizumi’s neck.

“Hajime, I know this is the last thing you want to hear after all you’ve been through, but trust is a two-way street, and I need you to trust me.”

“I trust you, Tooru.”

“Good. Then you’ll have to trust me when I say that I can’t tell you what it is we were talking about that night. Not yet.”

Iwaizumi’s heart pounded under his rib cage.

All of that, and that night was still a mystery, still something unknown.

Still something scary.

But he trusted Oikawa. He knew that in the deepest, most hidden parts of himself, woven into the marrow of his bones.

He trusted Oikawa.

“Okay. I trust you.”

Oikawa exhaled into the exposed skin of Iwaizumi’s shoulder, the breath warm and overtaking every cell of Iwaizumi’s body. He pulled Oikawa’s face up to his, fitting their mouths together in the familiar way they always had.

The way they always would.

“Now, how about I call in some takeout. I don’t think either of us feels up to cooking right now.”

Iwaizumi nodded, burying his nose in Oikawa’s hair. “I’ll go order it.”

Oikawa giggled. “But that means you have to move, and I seem to have been magically glued to you.”

“You idiot,” Iwaizumi complained, though he knew the smile tugging at his mouth gave him away. “Fine, go order the food yourself. You know what I like.”

“Iwa-chan! Wait, come back, I’m not done with you!”

“I have to pee, Trashykawa. I expect the food to have been ordered by the time I come back.”

“You’re so mean, Iwa-chan.”

Ignoring Oikawa’s complaints, Iwaizumi made his way down the hall, slipping into the bedroom instead of the bathroom like he had claimed. He moved without thinking, sliding open the closest door, grabbing the box from the shelf. He opened it slowly, letting his eyes roam over every piece of it, every memory, every part of Oikawa.

His fingers ran over the soft velvet box he hadn’t looked at since that night.

He was scared.

There was no denying it.

But-

“Iwa-chan, what’s taking so long? Get back out here and help me. And we’re watching Star Wars tonight and I don’t want to hear a peep out of you about it.”

_I’d rather be with you and scared than away from you and fearless._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back, my friends. Hope you're doing well and staying safe! The 3rd and final part of this fic will be up this next week! If you feel so led, I have a longer fic I've been working on and the first 12 chapters are up! I post every weekend, so come check it out!


	3. No One Else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa’s head cocked slightly to one side, the light around him warm and soft and luminescent, wrapping him in its care, highlighting the softness of his gaze, his mouth, the way he leaned towards where Iwaizumi still lay.
> 
> Iwaizumi wondered if it were possible for his heart to break for something other than the crushing weight of loss.
> 
> He wondered how long it would take to pick up all the pieces scattered within him.
> 
> Oikawa was incandescent.
> 
> “Come dance with me, Hajime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hey friends, long time no see. I mean, I guess it was only a few weeks, but oh well. I was sick so I didn't have the brain energy to write, but here we are!

**December 25th, 6:32 am**

“Iwa-chan. Iwa-chan, wake up!”

Iwaizumi groaned into the still dark morning, his eyes crusty and half stuck. “Leave me alone, Shittykawa, it’s too early for this.”

An elbow landed on his chest, a wheeze and an apology following close behind in quick succession.

“But it’s Christmas! IT’S CHRISTMAS! GET UP!”

Iwaizumi rolled over, burying his face deep into his pillow. Oikawa fell on top of him. “It will still be Christmas in two hours. Give me that, please.”

Arms snaked under his body and up his shirt, trailing ice cold on his bare skin.

“TOORU!”

He could feel Oikawa giggle on top of him, the motion rumbling deep into his bones, warm and liquid and gold.

“Haj, this is a once a year thing, let me have this, please. Look, I’ll even make you pancakes. With those little bitty chocolate chips you like so much.”

Iwaizumi turned his head to the side so it was no longer embedded in the pillow. “Whipped cream?”

Oikawa rolled smoothly off Iwaizumi’s back till he was laying beside Iwaizumi, their chests almost touching, noses inches apart. “Anything for you, Haj.”

Oikawa dropped a quick peck on Iwaizumi’s nose and jumped off the bed, right as Iwaizumi went to go pull him into a real kiss. “Tooru, get back here. Come back. Can’t we just snuggle for a bit?”

Dancing towards the door, Oikawa flipped the switch on the multicolored lights he had strung up around the room, much to Iwaizumi’s dismay, his grumbling only seeming to increase Oikawa’s excitement over the rainbow bulbs.

“We have the whole day before us, my love, and there’s so much to do!”

The lightbulbs bokehed through Iwaizumi’s bleary eyes, haloing Oikawa as he gazed at Iwaizumi, love and wonder and a childlike glee set on his face. The colors caressed the high points of Oikawa’s soft silhouette, dancing in his hair and pirouetting in his eyes, his eyelashes, the upper bow of his upturned lips.

There were moments where Iwaizumi fell in love all over again, his heart hammering in his chest, threatening to break through his ribs. Moments where he regressed back into the same scared boy he was the first time he realized what that feeling that had become so natural in his stomach was. His love had never dwindled, never once, even under the threat of fights or arguments or breakups. Yet even so, even when it felt impossible, there were moments where the love he felt could no longer be contained by the heart inside of him.

Oikawa’s head cocked slightly to one side, the light around him warm and soft and luminescent, wrapping him in its care, highlighting the softness of his gaze, his mouth, the way he leaned towards where Iwaizumi still lay.

Iwaizumi wondered if it were possible for his heart to break for something other than the crushing weight of loss.

He wondered how long it would take to pick up all the pieces scattered within him.

Oikawa was incandescent.

“Come dance with me, Hajime.”

Oikawa’s hand extended towards him, beckoning him closer, though Iwaizumi didn’t need any prompting.

He never did.

He was always drawn to Oikawa, like opposing sides of a magnet.

He always had been, since that first fateful day, the first time his eyes met the bright eyes of the messy-haired grinning boy in front of him.

And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sliding out of the bed, he made his way to where Oikawa was already swaying to the soft music he had put on at some point, though Iwaizumi hadn’t noticed it until then. Some instrumental Christmas music, something you’d hear in the background of those cheesy American Hallmark movies Oikawa made him watch every year, the ones he secretly liked so much. It was all strings and piano, tinkling and happy.

Oikawa was humming along as he swayed, Iwaizumi could hear it as he neared. Oikawa had never had a good voice, something he complained about constantly, but Iwaizumi was in love with the off-pitch way he sang along with confidence anyway.

Finally, they were together, two magnets, both haloed in the rainbow cascade of light that barely lit the dark room, just enough red that it was warm and cozy even in its flamboyance.

Iwaizumi wondered if maybe that’s why he wasn’t as mad about them as he claimed.

Because they mirrored the man in front of him, confident and cocky and unafraid of himself, yet safe and inviting and _home._

One of Oikawa’s hands rested on his waist, the other twining with his own hand, warm and alive.

“Place your hand on my shoulder,” Oikawa whispered, almost inaudible in the space between them.

Iwaizumi obliged without hesitation, every nerve in his body surrounded as he savored the nearness.

They didn’t dance, not really. Not in the way most did. Instead, they just swayed back and forth, letting their bodies move naturally as they circled the room, Oikawa pulling and pushing to guide Iwaizumi.

He had never been good at dancing. The fear had always made his chest clench when he was younger as he watched Oikawa spin around the playground, the neighborhood, the court without hesitation, with a grace Iwaizumi would never have, no matter how long he would practice.

He’d practiced in his room for years, alone when his parents were gone, his blinds drawn to any prying stranger. He had spent hours watching videos, trying to mirror them time after time, but it never worked, the only thing coming from those hours frustration and tears.

He hadn’t danced in front of anyone, and he preferred to keep it that way, hidden alone in his room away from any judgment or critique. Unrequited love grew heavy and settled on his feet, and he stumbled over nothing. At parties he always hid in the corner or by the snack table, claiming to anyone who asked that he thought dancing was stupid.

It wasn’t stupid. He didn’t really believe it. But watching his best friend spin time after time with new partners, both graceful and flowing as they moved, hurt more than he’d admit.

He could never be like that, no matter how much he practiced and tripped and bled.

He could never be the dance partner Oikawa deserved.

Iwaizumi's avoidance continued until the night of graduation, the party flying in full force as new grads danced in relief and freedom. Escaping into the cool night air, far away from where Oikawa was chest to chest with that cute blonde girl that was always looking at him, far away from where his best friend was dancing happily and gracefully with someone who wasn’t him, Iwaizumi cried.

He let his tears fall, hidden away from his peers and friends, seen by no one but the cold moon who swore to keep his secrets.

Unseen, that was, until a hand had landed on his shoulder.

“Haj.”

He had frantically wiped his tears, trying desperately to hide their existence, though he knew his best friend would notice immediately, had probably already noticed.

“Sorry, it was too stuffy in there. I needed some fresh air.”

A chin rested on his shoulder, replacing the hand that had been there seconds before. His chest cracked.

“It was a bit warm in there, wasn’t it?”

Iwaizumi didn’t answer, just nodded, and then two arms had encircled him from under his own arms, the calloused hands that sung of unseen power resting on his chest.

“Dance with me, Hajime.”

A simple statement rather than a question, though not a command. Iwaizumi could refuse at any moment, he knew that. Oikawa wasn’t the type to force him to do something he didn’t want to, something he wasn’t comfortable with.

He almost let the words slip from his mouth, a firm denial, but something about the arms encircling him and the chin on his shoulder and the soft breath that tickled his neck strangled the words where they sat, still somewhere deep down within, drowning them in the smell of sweat and oranges and something floral.

“I can’t dance.”

“That’s okay. Just let me lead, I’ll show you what to do.”

“But I can’t do everything you’ll want to do. You should go find a dance partner who you’re matched with.”

Oikawa spun him around, ignoring his complaints while positioning their hands, and then started moving, pushing Iwaizumi back to rock on his heels before pulling him forward, stepping backward at the same time.

“Oikawa, I’m not good enough to dance with you, you deserve to dance with someone better.”

Oikawa looked down at him then, their eyes locking. “There’s no one else I’d rather dance with, Iwa-chan. I don’t care how terrible you may be at it. You’re the only dance partner I need. The only one I want.”

They were close. Too close. “Oikawa, I-”

Oikawa was still moving, guiding Iwaizumi under the light of the secret-keeping moon, haloed in light as the sounds of the party pumped behind them, dissipating around them in the air. He’d hid it for over a decade, had hidden it well. Because he knew, he knew, that letting anything show would do nothing but push Oikawa away. But together, swaying back and forth, free from school, free from the party, free in Oikawa’s strong and capable arms, Iwaizumi was breaking.

“Oikawa, I love you.”

Oh. That’s not what he meant to say.

Crap.

Oikawa stilled, their movement coming to a halt. “What did you say?”

“I love you, Trashykawa, do you need to get your hearing checked? I’m pretty sure it was clear the first time.”

He couldn’t see Oikawa’s face, the moon somewhere behind Oikawa’s tousled hair, hidden away, no longer needed to keep his secret.

“I heard you the first time, I just wanted to hear you say it again.”

“Wait, what? You don’t hate me?”

Oikawa giggled, pulling Iwaizumi closer to him, beginning their dance once again, slower this time, more intimate.

“Of course not, you idiot. Do you know how long I’ve waited for you to say something?”

“You knew?”

“Of course. I’m good at reading people, Iwa-chan, especially you. You should have known that by now.”

Iwaizumi couldn’t hear anything over the pounding of his heart, the party drowned out in the sea of hope.

“You’re not disgusted?”

“Why would I be?”

“Because I’m in love with you, and you’re… you don’t feel the same.”

Oikawa didn’t stop their movement, just hummed his response. “Who told you that?”

“I don’t understand.”

“And you call me the idiot,” Oikawa laughed, that tinkly, light laugh that always made Iwaizumi’s skin prickle and his stomach flip. “Iwa-chan, I love you too. I have for a long time.”

Their first kiss had been far from graceful, a knocking of teeth and lips and laughter, but it was gentle, and it was perfect, hidden out there in the dark, dancing together under the eyes of no one else.

“You’re the only one I want,” Oikawa had whispered after, his face buried in Iwaizumi’s neck.

And now, as they swayed together in the solitude and darkness of their shared apartment, their shared life, Iwaizumi whispered those words back to Oikawa, pulling him down into a longing kiss much like their first, with fewer teeth but just as much laughter.

He let his eyes wander over to the closet, where the simple velvet box still hid, before spinning Oikawa clumsily around him.

He loved Oikawa.

He always had.

And he always would.

And that was something that would never change.

Even amidst the uncertainty of life, of each year, each week, each day. Even amidst the chaos of everything, the uncertainty that the earth wouldn’t be struck by a meteor, that Godzilla wouldn’t rise, that the aliens Oikawa was convinced existed somewhere out in that vast expanse of space wouldn’t invade, he knew with certainty that his love would never falter.

“Merry Christmas, Shittykawa.”

“Merry Christmas, Iwa-chan.”

That was something that would never change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was originally 3 parts, but this one section got away from me and ended up being too long with the finale, and it felt too well-rounded and complete of a chapter on its own. I hope that's okay! But next time, the end!


	4. A New Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The paper fortune fluttered in his hands.
> 
> Endan.
> 
> A proposal.
> 
> He blushed.
> 
> “OOOO what did you get? Is it something good.”
> 
> Iwaizumi quickly stuffed the paper in his pocket before Oikawa could get close enough to glance at it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear friend,
> 
> I hope this finale is everything you had hoped it would be

**January 1st, 11:37 am**

The shrine was as busy as it always was on the first day of the new year.

Maybe even more so.

Oikawa was hopping beside him, bouncing up and down as his eager eyes watched the snowflakes descend.

Iwaizumi had never been one to enjoy crowds, or celebrations in general.

But Oikawa loved them, and on the first day of every new year for as long as he could remember, he found himself here, arm to arm with the man who had first been his eager friend, and then his eager crush, and finally his eager boyfriend.

And he never got tired of watching the way Oikawa’s eyes glistened in the promise of something new.

His heart fluttered under the new year sun that peeked through snow clouds as he watched Oikawa stick his tongue out to catch a flake.

“What’s your _o-mikuji_?” Oikawa interjected his awe. “Something good I hope.”

Iwaizumi glanced down at the piece of paper in his hands, forgotten for a moment as he gazed at Oikawa.

“Hey, Trashykawa, give me some space. I can’t open it with you hovering like that.”

Grinning, Oikawa took an exaggerated jump backwards, his feet slipping only a bit in the snow, his body leaning forwards as he waited for Iwaizumi to look.

The paper fortune fluttered in his hands.

_Endan._

A proposal.

He blushed.

“OOOO what did you get? Is it something good?”

Iwaizumi quickly stuffed the paper in his pocket before Oikawa could get close enough to glance at it.

“Just a _kichi_ ,” he whispered, turning to mask the redness of his face.

“Aww, just a regular blessing? But you already have me and I’m a _dai-kichi_ for sure.”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, but the corners of his mouth twitched. “You’re no great blessing. If anything, you’re a _han-kichi._ ”

Gasping, Oikawa’s hand landed on his heart. “You take that back, I am nowhere near a half-blessing. I’m the greatest blessing. The biggest blessing you’ll ever get.”

Grabbing Oikawa’s head under his arms, Iwaizumi pushed down, laughing the whole time.

“Come on, idiot. Let’s go get some soba.”

The _endan_ smoldered in his pocket, warm and hot, something fiery that could burn a hole in his jacket if he wasn’t careful. It rattled up against the soft velvet of the little box, two promises, two blessings.

How fitting.

He turned to look at Oikawa as he laughed, as welcoming and hot as the blessing burning inside, cheeks flushed in the cold winter air, breath solid and whole.

He felt his own cheeks warm, the heat inside them incinerating every inch of him as he shivered in his worn-out jacket.

In the depths of his pocket, hidden in the darkness away from prying eyes and light, were two fortunes, the o-mikuji and the box with a secret inside, who both sang of a future he couldn’t live without.

**January 1st, 8:41 pm**

The box weighed more than anything else in his life.

More than the ugly couch he had to carry up to their apartment when the elevators broke on the day of move-in, more than the weights he occasionally lifted to stay in shape, more than the comforting heaviness in his belly after a good meal.

What his belly would have felt like if he had actually been able to eat his food.

Instead, he just picked at it, pushing it around in the bowl to look like he had eaten, citing to a confused Oikawa that he was still full from lunch.

He wasn’t, and the grumbling of his stomach had almost given away his lie.

But throwing up after taking a single bite would have sent Oikawa into nurse mode, and set an early end to their night.

A night as important as this one.

So he let his stomach scream, let the hunger inside mix with the nerves until he couldn’t distinguish the two apart.

It was better that way.

As they walked side by side in the cold night, the sky dark and the soft twinkling of streetlights and shop lights paving their way, Iwaizumi let his thumb brush over the velvet, over and over and over to the beat of his heart.

It was a wonder he hadn’t worn it through.

The river. He needed to get Oikawa to the river.

Oikawa was humming beside him, his cheeks flushed from the sake, having consumed far more of the drink than food. The street lamps lit up the top of his head, golden in chestnut waves, diffusing across his face and chest, soft and warm and home.

The river.

He needed to get to the river.

“Let’s go walk by the river. I bet it’s beautiful tonight.”

Iwaizumi froze, his shocked face evident as he gaped at Oikawa, churning Oikawa’s words in his head.

Oh. That was easy.

“What? Do you not want to go?” Oikawa whispered, pushing his chin into the scarf wrapped around his neck.

Iwaizumi shook his head, frantic, praying Oikawa couldn’t see how flustered he was in the darkness.

“No, let’s go to the river,” he gulped, the pace of his thumb on the box picking up in time with his heart, a metronome of panic.

Oikawa smiled, that smile of his that Iwaizumi would never tire of, and offered his arm to Iwaizumi, which he took, grateful for something, someone, to rest on, to hold him up.

He didn’t know if he’d be able to stand much longer, much less walk.

But Oikawa was strong, something most people didn’t see when they looked at him, especially compared to Iwaizumi.

But Iwaizumi was convinced Oikawa was the stronger of the two.

It was silent between them as they made their way to the river, only the soft clipping of their feet on loose stones and the hardness of their breath as the night cooled and jackets lost their protection. The river was quiet, almost still, and Iwaizumi wondered why it hadn’t frozen over.

“Iwa, look at the stars!”

They stopped, Iwaizumi looked up.

The night had been cloudy, covering every source of light about them, even the bright new year moon, but most the clouds had moved, dissipated into the night, the few remaining scattered across the sky, creating the softest of flakes.

The metronome quickened.

Now.

He should do it now.

It was perfect. The river running beside them, the snow that was still trickling down in small flakes that pushed through the air on the wind, the stars up above, bright and big and cosmic.

Oikawa was looking up at them, his face, his body, softening, loose and relaxed in a way that only the stars and the night and Iwaizumi at his side could accomplish. The smile on his face was natural, nothing forced or strained for the sake of others.

It was entirely Oikawa, and nothing else.

It was perfect.

He was perfect.

_“I love you, Hajime. So much. More than you could ever know. And I-” Oikawa stuttered._

_Soft lips met his, a brief fluttery peck that left Iwaizumi almost as breathless as Oikawa._

_“I love you. And thinking about living without you… picturing myself without you… it breaks me, Hajime.”_

_“What are you saying, Tooru?”_

_“I’m saying… I love you, and I can’t imagine the rest of my life without you. I want to be by your side, forever.”_

Forever.

Forever was a long time.

An eternity.

But still somehow not enough.

It would never be enough, not as long as Oikawa was by his side and his chest was on the verge of bursting, fracturing with an intensity he’d never known from anything else.

Being in love with Oikawa was painful.

But it was a good ache, the kind that came as proof of something good, like the ache of calves after a particularly good run.

It was scary, he knew, as he turned away to locate the box resting against the fortune in his pocket.

_I’d rather be with you and scared than away from you and fearless._

“Tooru,” he started, resting the box in the palm of his hand where it fit perfectly.

“What is it, Hajime?”

Taking in a breath, the last one for a while, Iwaizumi turned.

Oikawa wasn’t there.

He was gone.

“Tooru, what-”

And then he looked down.

And he laughed.

“Are you laughing at me? What the hell!”

Iwaizumi gazed down at Oikawa, at his best friend, at his forever, who was resting on one knee in front of him, his face wide and jubilant and ruddy, the starlight descending from the sky above to rest in his tousled hair.

A perfect, velvet red box in his gentle hands, a simple but powerful band resting inside.

And Iwaizumi laughed again.

“Haj, I’m proposing, take this seriously! Stop laughing and let me talk. I had a whole speech prepared and it’s worth listening to in my humble opinion and you-”

Iwaizumi dropped down to the ground in front of Oikawa, the snow seeping through the knees of his pants but he didn’t notice. Pushing his left hand up to rest on Oikawa’s cheek, he leaned in till their foreheads touched, their breath becoming one. He pulled Oikawa’s face to his, into a kiss that tasted of nothing other than Oikawa.

He couldn’t help but laugh, their lips parting.

“Hajime, what the hell! I haven’t even asked you yet, and you keep laughing!”

Iwaizumi didn’t answer, just held out the box that had been waiting in his right palm, the lid open and the moonlight glimmering off the silver strands that wrapped around each other, like twisting vines impossible to part.

Oikawa’s eyes widened, his mouth frozen.

And then he joined in Iwaizumi’s laughter, the force pushing him forward into Iwaizumi’s chest, where his breath tickled and shook Iwaizumi.

“I can’t believe this,” Oikawa laughed. “You ruined my moment.”

“Your moment?” Iwaizumi protested. “It was supposed to be my moment!”

Oikawa giggled, his grip on Iwaizumi’s jacket tightening. “You have to admit, this is pretty incredible.”

Iwaizumi pulled Oikawa into a kiss. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“So is that a yes?” Oikawa whispered, still laughing as he removed the ring from the box, reaching for Iwaizumi’s hand.

“Of course it's a yes, you idiot. Now, will you marry me?”

“Hmm,” Oikawa mused, tapping his finger to his chin. “I’ll have to think about it. Can I get back to you?”

A swift punch to his shoulder sent him into a laughing fit.

“Iwaizumi Hajime, Iwa-chan, I’d be delighted to marry you.”

The rings fit perfectly, snug and whole and full of promise.

The kiss that followed mirrored.

They fell back into the snow, Oikawa resting across Iwaizumi’s chest like he always did, in the spot he had long ago claimed as his own. His hair tickled the sensitive underside of Iwaizumi’s nose, but Iwaizumi didn’t care, his arms wrapped tightly around his fiance.

“I love you, Tooru.”

Oikawa looked up at him, his eyes glistening as tears gathered. “I love you too, Hajime. So much that I think my heart might burst.”

Iwaizumi dropped a kiss on Oikawa’s soft hair, noticing for the first time how in sync their hearts were, beating in harmony to an unsung melody.

“Wait, is that what you were talking with Suga about? That night? When you were saying you didn’t want to ruin things?”

Oikawa nodded, his eyes squeezed shut in happiness. “Yeah, yeah it was. I know how much Christmas means to you, and… I didn’t want to ruin it for you, if something went wrong… If you didn’t say yes.”

Iwaizumi’s own tears were falling now, warm in contrast to the snow under his back, but nowhere near as warm as the man in his arms, the fluttering in his chest. “Oh, Tooru. What made you think I’d ever possibly say no?”

Oikawa sniffed. “You know how bad my anxiety can get. I had all but convinced myself you’d say no, that you were tired of me. Or that you’d say yes and you wouldn’t mean it, because you felt like you had to. Suga was trying to knock some sense into me, and he was right. You’re the most important person in my life, Hajime, and even if I’m only a fraction as important to you as you are to me, then that’s more than enough, because I don’t think it would be possible for me to love you anymore. Yet you continue to surprise me more and more everyday, and everyday I fall harder.”

Iwaizumi’s breath hitched in his chest as he choked out a sob. “I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you. I think it’s physically impossible. I hate that you had to face those anxieties. I hate them. But I’m here, I’m always here, and you can count on that.”

Their lips met again, slow and soft and patient. It tasted of salt and tears but Iwaizumi didn’t mind.

As the stars above twinkled their response, their coruscating light falling into the metronome of two beating hearts, Iwaizumi thanked the galaxy for this cosmic convergence of light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! If you're interested in any of my other work, you can find a 50k+ Daisuga [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26762251/chapters/65286520) that's ongoing, and I have another fic coming up soon that I'm halfway done with, and then plans for one after that.


End file.
